Ascot families are being warned to keep their heads about them, after numerous locals report being sucked into a lifestyle cult mindset that convinced them to move to Brookfield.

Brookfield is of course well known as Ascot’s bucolic equivalent, a place to visit on weekends, after pulling on one’s RM Williams and throwing the kids in the Range Rover in search of a simpler way of life.  They go to escape the rat race, drink in the fresh country air and dream about how freakin’ huge their house would be if they moved.

For one returned and mentally scarred family it started out very innocently. ‘We went to the Brooky long lunch with Jono’s cousins.  They were banging on about their huge house, tennis court and the 3 head of cattle they were running.  They seemed so happy, and their Instagram feed proved they were’, say the couple who wish to remain anonymous.

‘Next thing, we were selling up our 4 bedder on Windermere Rd and moving into our 10 bed, French classical revival manor like we were Louis the friggin XIV th.  It even had its own gaggle of geese.’

‘It was lovely at first.  Evenings were whisper quiet, save for the occasional distant grinding of a neighbours’ Thermomix 2 kms away. We’d have 6 fireplaces on the go, and a lamb shoulder in the slow cooker. But then summer came…’

‘Jono developed saddle sores from sitting on the mower 11 hours a weekend.  Churchie refused to build a satellite campus in Chapel Hill and between the mower and the Rangie we spent 28K in petrol.’

‘I nearly lost my shit every time a city friend brought up the commute – which happened to be 80 times a week. I’d be smiling but thinking ‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE MOLE…….WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THE DRIVING. WE LIVE IN BROOKFIELD AND OUR HOUSE IS HUGE.’

The family have returned to Ascot and are slowly reassimilating.  ‘There’s one thing for sure.  The Thermomixes are much louder here.’

Ascotians are known for their love of all things powdery white. But not just any old white powder and certainly not that cheap nasty Australian shit. 

That’s right. The southern states ski season has officially opened with fanfare, much to the puzzlement of Ascot residents whose love of shit bagging the Australian ski fields knows no bounds.

‘The snow in Australia is total shit’, says born and bred Queenslander and Ascot resident Charlotte Donovan-Brown, who lists zero as the number of times she’s actually been to the Australian ski fields.  ‘And I definitely know that, almost for sure. I practically grew up on skis in Palm Ave.’

And, it seems she’s not the only one. ‘Last time I was in Snow Mass I saw this bloke skiing moguls like a fucking Olympian.  I thought…he must be from Ascot.’

She also has this tip for those wanting to get into the sport. ‘Seriously, if you’re going to spend money flying to Canberra, you might as well fly to Colorado.  It’s only 15 thousand difference.  Besides, we picked up all of our gear in the Aldi ski sale. We know how to budget you know.’ 

Facing another year of the total absence of Ascot residents, the southern states will have to once again do without their superior snow knowledge and blinding ski skills. Canadians, Americans and Japanese however rest assured.  Ascotians will soon be heading your way, to give unsolicited and broadcast judgement about your snowy home town on their 7 day long, once-a-year ski trip. And they won’t hold back.

Says Ms Donovan-Brown ‘I only break out my credit card for the best white powder you know.’

If unsubstantiated predictions are anything to go by, the future of rugby union in this country is looking up, thanks to a cluster of ‘highly-skilled’ 8-10 year old players from the 4007 catchment. With absolutely no precedent, the 2031 Wallaby World Cup winning side looks set to be 95 percent from Ascot, according to their averagely talented parents.

‘It’s actually uncanny, the talent pool in just a few streets.  I see no reason why Will and his mates from under 10 Gold can’t go all the way together’ says Harriet Jones of Abbott Street. 

The Ascot Observer now understands the Joneses are looking into converting their son’s bedroom to a hyperbaric chamber so he can optimise his recovery time in a saturated oxygen environment. 

When asked about the plan, Will stated ‘What the fuck Mum?…Wait…can I still play fortnite in there?’

‘We’re so blessed, says Mrs Jones. ‘Nothing would make us happier than seeing him achieve our dream.’

 

The Racecourse rd precinct is in line for a light beautification project after residents complained that it looks nothing like Hastings street. The project involves bombing the entire street, and starting again.

An independent unbiased committee made up of white rich-arse women aged between 45-46 ish, carried out an assessment of the area and spoke with the Observer candidly about their recommendations.

‘No amount of fairy lights can dress up this shit show’ said Emma Wilkinson, 8th generation local gal and first fleet Ascot descendent. ‘And frankly, it looks nothing like Hastings street.’ 

‘There’s basically nowhere to spend a few grand. Unless I need to pick up a snazzy pair of shoes for my Grandmother. In which case there are 16 boutiques to choose from.’

The Observer understands the entire street will be razed, with the exception of essential services including Bar 150 and the Ascot Cosmetic Surgery clinic.  

‘I don’t want to be alarmist’ said Ms Wilkinson, ‘but unless we do something soon, the Hemsworths are never going to visit.’

 

 

What’s on in and around the 4007 catchment this month……

More obnoxious super food. For those who are too good for the food our parents ate, or are looking for new ways to spend money at Sirianni’s, good news!  Activated Nepalese Yak milk is now available in store. Prepare to spend more time than ever comparing the 89 different types of milk now on the shelves. Only $33.50 a litre.

Camilla kaftan bonfire event. We loved the label, until we realised every alpha-mum in Bulimba wears it to lunch. Now, it all has to go! Expect a crowd at Oriel Park bbq area on June 6. Not since the great pashmina bonfire of 2005 has there been greater interest in never wearing something ever again. Be sure to bring a bottle of champagne because it’s a Wednesday.

Thermomix buyers remorse support group. They said it would change your life. It’s now three years later and a) you’re still married; b) YOU’RE STILL STANDING IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN. The Ascot school hall is the new venue due to swelling numbers. Come and share your story with others about the most expensive margarita maker you ever bought. 

Classes in passive-aggression are now on offer at Hamilton library! Brush up your skills on how to tell someone to fuck off without actually saying it. Perfect for school pick-up zones, tuckshop duty, emailing the parent of the turd who keeps harassing your kid, or the parent of the turd who keeps hogging the ball at footy. 7-9pm Tuesday evenings during June.

Yoga-Pilates-contortionist-boot camp.  The latest fitness craze has come to Ascot!!  Learn how to bend over backwards and be flexible beyond your wildest expectations, all while people yell at you constantly.  Ideal preparation for parenthood or any long term family or marital relationship. Oriel park 5am every damn morning.

Until next month,

the Ascot Observer

Two pedigree bitches were involved in a vicious brawl at the Ascot Dog Park on Sunday afternoon.

It’s understood the bitches are known to each other and have had a few close calls at various locations around the suburb.

Eyewitnesses describe the scene as oddly compelling, as the two bitches clawed and bit each other in a frenzy of pent up aggression.

Bitch behavioural expert Dr Edwina Pennefather had this to say about the incident.  ‘These types are common in the area.  They’re usually very well groomed and appear all cool and calm, but scratch the surface and those bitches are a seething hot mess of aggression and competitive pent up anger.  Particularly when newcomers appear to upset the status quo.’

The Observer understands there may be more problems to come. ‘These bitches breed little bitches, and so the cycle continues,’ Dr Pennefather said.

While there was no serious injury reported, anyone finding a 2 carat diamond earring in the park is urged to surrender it to local police.

 

 

A passive-aggressive mother has spoken out about the moment she realised that a packet of TimTams had made its way onto the morning tea table during a post-assembly parent and child gathering.  Wedged in between the home-made mini vegan muffins, gluten-free beetroot brownies and sustainably farmed yam chips, the TimTams stood out like dogs’ balls and caused more than a few furtive glances between parents at the event.

Class parent rep, P & C treasurer, tuckshop convener and uniform shop co-ordinator Mary-Kate Mullins had this to say. ‘It’s not that hard people. I haven’t spent the past 10 years baking sugar-fee, dairy-free, gluten-free, egg-free, nut-free, high fibre, low GI organic food for my kids, to have it all turned to SHIT by some stupid cow that can’t be arsed.  Everyone knows that TimTams are practically crack, and cause bipolar.’

The Observer understands ‘bring-a-plate’ guidelines will now be drafted and distributed. ‘We won’t stop until we make parents’ lives as difficult as possible,’ Ms Mullins said.

 

*disclosure. Mary-Kate Mullins is an authorised Thermomix consultant who doesn’t miss a chance to mention it everyday. Please contact her via email 

m-k@expensiveappliances.com.au

Local multi-billionaire businessman and BRW rich-lister Douglas Hugh-Jones has been left fuming after receiving a B- for his daughters grade 8 business principles assignment.

It’s understood Arabella Hugh-Jones sought her father’s guidance to ‘design a business plan’ and soon left him to his own devices so she could watch Stranger Things on Netflix.

After receiving the grade, a disgusted Mr Hugh-Jones claims he is left with no recourse other than to take his daughters guinea pig jewellery business to the world to prove his plan is nothing short of ‘A-fucking-plus!!‘

‘Hard marker my arse’ the businessman said of Miss O’Brien, the school’s BP teacher.

‘This new business will have a market cap of 100 million in 12 months.  Then, O’Brien can suck on that particular fact for the rest of her miserable life.’

Despite the setback, it’s understood Mr Hugh-Jones will continue to do his daughter’s homework, or Airtask it out. ‘Some minions love this shit’, he said.

 

 

Customers of Sirianni IGA will now be required to complete the ‘certificate of high-performance parking’ before being allowed to park their car onsite.  Sirianni’s will be offering the course after a spike in customers completely losing their shit trying to park at the popular grocer’s headquarters.

The course will cover modules such as ‘left, right or straight ahead? : the art of car-park selection’, ‘pro-active indication’, ‘hierarchy of reversing rights : who the fuck reverses first, and what to do during a standoff’ and the capstone unit ‘Smiling, cursing, reversing:  the complete guidelines’.

‘We thought this could be a great little revenue raiser, as well as a vital community service.’ A spokesperson for the organisation said. ‘I mean, you can always tell the newcomers to the area. They’re parked in that corner between the butcher and the bottle-o. Get yourself in there, and it may take you a year to get out.’

Once certified, a tasteful sticker will be issued. In the case of antipasto-related emergencies, uncertified vehicles should report to the Sirianni valet for immediate and expensive attention.

Locals from Ascot, the inner-north suburb of Brisbane have submitted a formal petition to have the name of their suburb changed to ‘The Hamptons’.

Georgina and Angus Sullivan who currently reside in the suburb felt that the name is a natural progression for locals, considering 97.8% of the homes are now considered ‘Hamptons Style’.  Indeed, the suburb is widely recognised for having more decorative coral per square metre than any other region in Brisbane.

‘We have a lot to thank the Hamptons for,’ Mrs Sullivan said.  ‘The butlers pantry for starters.  I mean, it’s great to think it’s just there you know….if we ever get a butler.  I think his name would be Giles.’

‘Grey houses with white trim, cute portholes and plenty of shells are what make us feel happy’, Mrs Sullivan gushed.  ‘Along with some well placed coral, subway tiles and karate chopped scatter cushions.’

The Ascot Observer understands there will be little resistance to the proposed change.

‘Basically we want to get this done quickly, before those pretenders from fucking Bulimba get the jump on us.’