Ascot family returns to 4007 in need of counselling after move to Brookfield

Ascot families are being warned to keep their heads about them, after numerous locals report being sucked into a lifestyle cult mindset that convinced them to move to Brookfield.

Brookfield is of course well known as Ascot’s bucolic equivalent, a place to visit on weekends, after pulling on one’s RM Williams and throwing the kids in the Range Rover in search of a simpler way of life.  They go to escape the rat race, drink in the fresh country air and dream about how freakin’ huge their house would be if they moved.

For one returned and mentally scarred family it started out very innocently. ‘We went to the Brooky long lunch with Jono’s cousins.  They were banging on about their huge house, tennis court and the 3 head of cattle they were running.  They seemed so happy, and their Instagram feed proved they were’, say the couple who wish to remain anonymous.

‘Next thing, we were selling up our 4 bedder on Windermere Rd and moving into our 10 bed, French classical revival manor like we were Louis the friggin XIV th.  It even had its own gaggle of geese.’

‘It was lovely at first.  Evenings were whisper quiet, save for the occasional distant grinding of a neighbours’ Thermomix 2 kms away. We’d have 6 fireplaces on the go, and a lamb shoulder in the slow cooker. But then summer came…’

‘Jono developed saddle sores from sitting on the mower 11 hours a weekend.  Churchie refused to build a satellite campus in Chapel Hill and between the mower and the Rangie we spent 28K in petrol.’

‘I nearly lost my shit every time a city friend brought up the commute – which happened to be 80 times a week. I’d be smiling but thinking ‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE MOLE…….WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THE DRIVING. WE LIVE IN BROOKFIELD AND OUR HOUSE IS HUGE.’

The family have returned to Ascot and are slowly reassimilating.  ‘There’s one thing for sure.  The Thermomixes are much louder here.’