In your face Eagle Junction State School.  That’s the message from parents at Ascot after the Ascot School Fete  – better known as the Ascot Big Day Out was crowned best-new-bar-in-the-inner -northside-for-middle-aged-people who-live-nearby. There was also a few stalls.

In case you missed it, The Observer toured the highlights of the fete and recommends the following itinerary.

The Ascotbald prize

Centimetre for centimetre, the most expensive art show in Australia. Highlights included the 20x10cm work in crayon ‘poo bum’ attracting a $8000 sale price by Archie Sutherland.

“We realised our initial bid of $7000 was a bit insulting to our son”, said his mother Anna-Kristina. “So, we bid against ourselves and upped the price.”

As she is an eco-warrior, she headed straight over to ‘Pre-Loved on Pringle’ second-hand marketplace to donate the artwork as it doesn’t really go with her decor. However Archie’s first place blue ribbon does, and now will be framed and backlit for their entry hall.

The ‘fuck you Sarah Wilson’ bake sale. Sponsored by Ascot Dental.

The memo said USE REAL SUGAR. An unexpected but refreshing change of pace for Ascot mums who’ve been brainwashed into years of baking 30-ingredient low-carb vegan air muffins. That pile of sugar you’ve been fantasising about since you went full keto is here in all its glory. The Observer was assured that no fucking beetroot was hidden in any brownies, or heads would roll.

Pre-loved on Pringle. Sponsored by Marie Kondo

Bring your disguise and poke around your neighbours’ rejected articles. Any leftover stuff will be burned in a super bonfire, because landfill is currently a thing.

Messed up on Massey

Raising money for school never felt so good. Messed up on Massey is the two-story portable pub, trucked in to Massey street after feedback from the last ABDO that a 3 x 3 tent wasn’t cutting it. It’s also the only stall at the fete where your money is a winner every time.

Ascot parents lined up to showcase their drinking prowess in the name of fundraising, while their kids ran wild and unsupervised into the night, chatting to all manner of friendly carnie-folk.

It’s understood the P and C are now looking at making the port-a-pub a permanent fixture, so parents can fundraise while spectating the school athletics carnival and cross country. “All we need to do is give it a lick of white and pale grey paint, and a few bits of coral to give it a more Hamptons aesthetic,” said Mary-Kate Mullins, Thermomix rep and self-taught interior designer.

 

Feeling lucky? After you’ve been Messed up on Massey, head across the oval to the pop-up after-party ‘Single and ready to mingle on Pringle’, for those of you who realise dipping your toe outside the catchment has no future.

Get straight to talking about all the same people and places you both already know, without the bothersome task of bringing any new material to the conversation ever.

The Observer understands the ABDO was another huge success. When asked for a quote by the organising committee, a representative had this to say, “our goal of being better at partying than Eagle Junction State School has been achieved once again. Bring on 2021!!”

Hot on the heels of the Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry and leapfrogging the Royal Commission into Aged Care, it’s been announced a Royal Commission into the Appearance of Dog Shit on the Streets of Ascot. 

‘Finally, a Royal Commission I can get on board with,’ said local resident Priscilla Windermere. ‘If I find one more dog turd on my nature strip I am going to tase someone.’

Indeed, #pickupyourdogshit is the top trending hashtag in the suburb’s social media, currently out ranking #GeorgePell #Brexit and #fuckingLabor.

‘I honestly don’t know what is going on,’ Ms Windermere said last week. ‘I’ve posted in the 4007/4011 Community page about this more than once, and no matter how outraged I get on social media, the DOG SHIT KEEPS APPEARING.’  I’ll have to post AGAIN next week.’

The Observer understands residents are properly losing their lolly over the perceived laziness of some of their neighbours and are now taking matters into their own hands.  It turns out that even the most genteel resident has vigilante tendencies when presented with a steaming dog turd on their nature strip for the 17th time this year.

And, sentiment is reaching fever pitch. CCTV cameras, sensor activated sprinklers, flood lights, dog poo letterbox drops, public shaming and dawn confrontations are strategies being openly shared and plotted by pissed off locals who, under any other circumstances, act like totally normal people.

Although the results of the Royal Commission are still a couple of months away, The Observer has obtained access to one alleged offender, who showed little remorse.

‘What’s the big deal? I mean, really? Try to think of it as bringing a little bit of Paris to the streets of Ascot,’ the longtime resident dog walker said.

‘Besides, everyone knows that pedigree shit doesn’t stink.’

More to come.

Move over Marie Kondo.  One Ascot resident has refuted her world-wide phenomenon book ‘the life changing magic of tidying up’  with the more superior and aptly titled ‘the life changing magic of living in Ascot.’

Author Jemima Pendergast, first fleet Ascot descendent, admits her book was in fact, inspired by the diminutive Japanese tidying expert.  ‘Yes I read her book, and in fact I found it a little underwhelming.  The only life changing experience I can recommend is moving to 4007.’

While Marie Kondo stresses the importance of ‘sparking joy’, the central theme to the Ascot edition is the ability to ‘spark judgement’ in your everyday life.  Ms Pendergast finds inspiration ‘everywhere’. 

‘I often drive around the suburb and with total mindfulness, spark judgement with everything I see and all people I speak with’, she said.

‘Sparking judgement is really a very personal journey into your own feelings of superiority,’ she said.  ‘You will experience a total closure of your mind, which brings feelings of euphoric reinforcement of the correctness of every thought you’ve ever had,’ said Ms Pendergast. ‘It’s astounding.’

The Observer understands sparking judgement can eventually become habitual.  And, moving to 4007 will definitely sharpen your skills, mainly because everyone is sparking judgement around you. 

‘Sometimes sparking judgement is instantaneous, like finding out that someone in your street voted Labor. Other times you have to tune right in,’ said Ms Pendergast.

‘Whether it’s someone who has put on a lot of weight, or lost too much weight, drinks too much or doesn’t drink at all, works full time, or stays at home with their kid, are getting divorced, are staying married, too interested in their kids or too disinterested, or maybe they are a teacher. Does it spark judgement? YES, I find it can.’

‘The life changing magic of living in Ascot’ is now available at all bookstores in Noosa and James Street.

You too can achieve a more Ascotian life with a little mindfulness and far too much time on time on your hands.       

Says Ms Pendergast, ‘And with my book, you get to keep all of your stuff.’

More to come.

Another day, another 30 day diet or exercise challenge starts or ends in 4007. 

Indeed the prolific rise of the phenomenon to give up some of the stuff that makes life worth living has social researchers and normal people everywhere reaching the same conclusion….you know you’ve really made it when you have to prove to yourself you can go without shit.

It seems the reality of being healthy wealthy and white is not ringing anyone’s bell in the suburb, and so people are seeking out ways to force themselves into giving up or taking up stuff to prove their dedication to well… themselves. 

“I just can’t get clean enough,” says Andrea Cumberbatch, who is celebrating the end of her 30 day cleanse, by kicking off a 30 day clean eating challenge.  “I’m going to feel soooooooo gooooood”!!

And how does this regime fit into family and social life?  “So long as the whole family are shitting green and through the eye of a needle, I’ll know that we’re all feeling feeling fab.”

However the Observer understands that a 30 day challenge is only valid if it’s broadcast as part daily conversation.

Social researcher and philosopher of the privileged, Dr James Whittaker has posed the following question. ‘If a 30 day challenge happens and it wasn’t posted on Facebook, did it actually happen?’  “These are important questions, that warrant robust discussion.”

Indeed, a separate survey of ‘normal people’ indicates 30 days without maiming anyone who is banging on about their 30 day challenge, is challenge enough.

Meanwhile, Ms Cumberbatch has conceded due to Oct-sober, she will have to skip BookClub next month.  

More to come.

 Controversy has broken out at the sports canteen of a local private school after it was revealed that there is a wrong way to make a ham and cheese toastie.  

“Any fucking idiot knows that you put the ham down first, then the cheese,” said a spokesperson from the school canteen.

One tuckshop newbie found this out the hard way, when she turned up at 5 am to voluntarily help make breakfast for one school’s particularly early morning training session.

“I began by laying the cheese down on the bread when one of the more experienced canteen Mums leant in. “Well done you!” she said.  “But actually, we put the ham on first, THEN the cheese.“

It’s understood the canteen newbie is a three hat chef, with four kids of her own, and has made approximately 30 000 ham and cheese toasties in the past decade. “Besides, she said, “when the sandwich is flipped, it’s the same friggin’ thing. Seriously,…..WTAF?”

The Observer has since conducted extensive randomised blind taste trials of H-C versus C-H toasties.  The conclusive results indicate that a H-C toastie once inverted, is indeed, exactly the same friggin’ thing as a C-H toastie. And that’s for real.When presented with the findings the canteen convenor had this to say. “Cute. But I don’t think so. That’s why it’s called a HAM-CHEESE toastie, not a CHEESE-HAM toastie.”

“Besides, we’ve always done it this way.  We don’t encourage logic, or free-thinking here.  But, if you’re prepared to do exactly as I say and not be richer or thinner than me, we’d love some more volunteers.”

“Oh and one more thing. No square cut sandwiches.  Even children raised by wolves knows that triangles taste better.”

More to come.

Parents of school children all over 4007 are demanding answers after it was revealed Book Week is actually just a special brand of mind fuckery developed by the Department of Education to keep parents questioning, yet again, why the hell they had kids in the first place.  

Book Week, or as it’s more commonly known, ‘Fucking Book Week’  is a school tradition that was allegedly started to annoy the bejesus out of parents and is now a time honored pain-in-the-arse, right up there with returning unsold raffle tickets, homework, and the Easter bonnet parade.

The theme this year for Fucking Book Week is ‘Ancient Greek mythological creatures……in outer space’ and has had parents all over 4007 in a spin, googling how to make a Centaur space costume out of 38 egg cartons, toilet rolls and a bit of masking tape. 

‘We like to make the theme harder and harder just to screw with them,’ said one anonymous teacher. ‘The key is the 48 hour notice period, of which we know kids will automatically reduce to 24 or 12 hrs.’ 

‘Let’s face it. Parents and teachers have been hating on each other since the beginning of time’, said the teacher.  ‘‘Fucking Book Week’ is keeping that particular situation in check.  And, if that hasn’t cemented it, every child will be issued a recorder, or as it’s more commonly known, a ‘fucking recorder’  – the musical instrument of choice for sociopaths, despots and sadists the world over.’

When the teacher was questioned over the OTT approach to Book Week she had the following message to parents.

‘Suck shit.’  

More to come.

An Ascot mother has returned to 4007 after her Coastrek event in Noosa this past weekend, $6000 and three friendships lighter. Coastrek is the wildly successful 4-person team walking event for women where upwardly mobile competitive housewives donate $500 each, for the pleasure of testing their friendships in the name of charity. The 30km walk/sprint  also raises funds for such needy organisations as the Noosa Shire Council, and the proprietors of the hotels and bars of Hastings Street.  

Approximately a bazillion peri and post-menopausal women walked this year, with the chat volume registering seismic activity as far away as Mars. 

However an underground investigation by the Observer has uncovered a pattern of ruined friendships over this somewhat dull rite of passage for middle aged Ascotian women.

‘That fucking Fred Hollows has got a lot to answer for,’ said one returned and slightly miffed participant.

In a bid to reveal the truth, The Observer conducted extensive research to uncover how to successfully navigate the Coastrek event with your friendships intact. We urge participants to select team members carefully to minimise tension. However, it’s understood that despite the best laid plans, one or more of the following types will end up in your team, so be prepared.

1. The ‘me’ talker – Starts every sentence with ‘I’ or ‘If it was me’ and has mastered turning even the most unrelated conversation into something about herself.
2. The ‘my kids’ talker.  Speaks of nothing other than her children, schools, teachers, achievements and allergies. Tracks their every move including bowel motions and will talk you through all of it in detail over the next 6 hours.
3. The small talker.  You WILL die of boredom, or suddenly decide that you’re going to run the last 28km.  Far away from her.
4. The know-it-all.  Most likely to be murdered during the event itself
5. The ‘rich’ talker.  If you have to hear one more word about her renovation, overseas holiday, or boat you’re going to suggest she fucking well gets in her chopper back to Ascot. Alone.
6. The too slow/too fast combo.  You thought it was going to be a leisurely stroll.  She wants to break the land-speed record.  This is not going to end well.A careful avoidance of these types and just about anyone who is boring, unfit, or generally irritating will ensure your chances of surviving the next expensive Coastrek experience.  When quizzed about the $6000 of hotel, transport, outfits, massages, champagne, cocktails and restaurant meals, one Ascot mum had this to say, ‘I’m so proud.’

When you’ve hit the marriage part of your marriage, you’ll be relieved to know that there are plenty of support groups in the 4007 community for you. You are not alone.

– Support group for women whose husbands work from home

Come and meet up with other sufferers to discuss all things intensely irritating about your husband working from home.  Learn strategies on how to avoid punching him in the throat when he breezily asks ‘what’s for lunch?’ or ‘where are you going?’ Vent your frustrations about his loud-talking phone calls, and your right to not want sex between the hours of 9-5pm.  Learn methods to calmly communicate that clearly, if he wants more sex with you, your biggest turn on is seeing him in his suit, getting the hell out of your house every day.

– Support group for men, whose wives’ small business/side hustle/obsessive hobby is costing them 30K a year.  

Be it interior design, organic health and wellness or extreme athletic eventing….there’s one guarantee. It’s all unfathomably fucking expensive.  You poor conflicted bastards. On one hand, her side gig keeps her from getting up in your grill every 5 minutes and gives her something to focus on other than what colour your next doona cover should be. On the other hand, if you ask her to drop it, you’re officially the biggest and most selfish bastard on the planet. Learn strategies on how not to glaze over when she starts banging on about scatter cushions, or how to exercise your right to eat gluten in your own friggin house. Come and share your story with other sufferers, even though basically, she’s got you by the balls and there is fuck all you can do about it.

 – Support group for wives and husbands who work in the same business.

You’ve gotten yourselves into this mess, now you’re locked into some kind of mutual Stockholm syndrome hostage situation.  You depend on each other, neither of you can quit either the job or the marriage. It’s all completely fucked. Your only hope is one of you dies, so the other can get some alone time for fuck’s sake.

 –Support group for wives and husbands who work in the same business AND from home.

Call Lifeline 13 00 00.  We’re lighting a candle over here for you guys.

–Support group for wives whose husbands travel for work.

Strictly speaking, it’s more of a happy hour than a support group.  Get the babysitter on speed dial and head to Bar 150, with gin cocktails every Friday from 9.30am straight after drop off.

Stay tuned for more community support groups….because everyone is entitled to our opinion.

Continue reading “Part-time Catholics preparing to go full-time, at least until their son gets into Terrace.” →

What does it take to be a total fucking winner?  We interviewed Ascot home-grown influencer/storyteller/hustler/entrepreneur Josh Vandenweiss who gives us his low down on exactly what it takes to leave every other fucker eating your dust.

‘From the moment I left Mum and Dad’s place on Sutherland Ave at the age of 28, I knew that I had the drive, determination and parental safety net to RISK EVERYTHING in pursuit of my dreams.’

Vandenweiss describes his business as ‘multifaceted’.  ‘Basically we get shit done. We’re currently excited by some electric stuff.  It’s apps and data. Cloud. Blockchain and some other tech words.’

And what is the morning routine for such a winning human being?

‘You want to know how I do it? Ha! Well if you want to WIN in this game, you gotta be prepared to get up REAL FUCKING EARLY and RUN your arse ragged.  I heard my competition were getting up at 4….so I decided to get up at 3, and when that didn’t work…2.  You want it BAD??  Sometimes you need to get up BEFORE you go to bed. No fucking excuses. That’s what it takes.’

‘At 5 am, after I’ve run a marathon and bog snorkeled the Kedron Brook for 2 hours in prep for my Andalucian caving adventure (invitation only), it’s time for a quick ice bath to sharpen my senses.  It’s going to be a fucking awesome day.’

‘I drink an organic shot of coffee – the good stuff – Peruvian – infused with the piss of a baby Alpaca.  I then head to my stand up treadmill desk and get my EA to read the morning business news to me – with pep. At 10 am I get the whole team to stop and do a group haka. It get’s them in the WINNING frame of mind. Janice from accounts loves it.’  

Readers of the Ascot Observer can learn more about the dizzying heights one can reach using devout self-interest by listening to his new audio book “WINNING: It pays better than integrity”, now available for download.

Says Mr Vandenweiss, ‘It’s audio because if you’re reading, it means you’re sitting, which means you’re not moving, which means you’re not WINNING.’