Hot on the heels of the Royal Commission into Misconduct in the Banking, Superannuation and Financial Services Industry and leapfrogging the Royal Commission into Aged Care, it’s been announced a Royal Commission into the Appearance of Dog Shit on the Streets of Ascot.
‘Finally, a Royal Commission I can get on board with,’ said local resident Priscilla Windermere. ‘If I find one more dog turd on my nature strip I am going to tase someone.’
Indeed, #pickupyourdogshit is the top trending hashtag in the suburb’s social media, currently out ranking #GeorgePell #Brexit and #fuckingLabor.
‘I honestly don’t know what is going on,’ Ms Windermere said last week. ‘I’ve posted in the 4007/4011 Community page about this more than once, and no matter how outraged I get on social media, the DOG SHIT KEEPS APPEARING.’ I’ll have to post AGAIN next week.’
The Observer understands residents are properly losing their lolly over the perceived laziness of some of their neighbours and are now taking matters into their own hands. It turns out that even the most genteel resident has vigilante tendencies when presented with a steaming dog turd on their nature strip for the 17th time this year.
And, sentiment is reaching fever pitch. CCTV cameras, sensor activated sprinklers, flood lights, dog poo letterbox drops, public shaming and dawn confrontations are strategies being openly shared and plotted by pissed off locals who, under any other circumstances, act like totally normal people.
Although the results of the Royal Commission are still a couple of months away, The Observer has obtained access to one alleged offender, who showed little remorse.
‘What’s the big deal? I mean, really? Try to think of it as bringing a little bit of Paris to the streets of Ascot,’ the longtime resident dog walker said.
‘Besides, everyone knows that pedigree shit doesn’t stink.’
More to come.
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