The Ascot State School ‘Big Day Out’ named best new bar in unofficial late night poll

In your face Eagle Junction State School.  That’s the message from parents at Ascot after the Ascot School Fete  – better known as the Ascot Big Day Out was crowned best-new-bar-in-the-inner -northside-for-middle-aged-people who-live-nearby. There was also a few stalls.

In case you missed it, The Observer toured the highlights of the fete and recommends the following itinerary.

The Ascotbald prize

Centimetre for centimetre, the most expensive art show in Australia. Highlights included the 20x10cm work in crayon ‘poo bum’ attracting a $8000 sale price by Archie Sutherland.

“We realised our initial bid of $7000 was a bit insulting to our son”, said his mother Anna-Kristina. “So, we bid against ourselves and upped the price.”

As she is an eco-warrior, she headed straight over to ‘Pre-Loved on Pringle’ second-hand marketplace to donate the artwork as it doesn’t really go with her decor. However Archie’s first place blue ribbon does, and now will be framed and backlit for their entry hall.

The ‘fuck you Sarah Wilson’ bake sale. Sponsored by Ascot Dental.

The memo said USE REAL SUGAR. An unexpected but refreshing change of pace for Ascot mums who’ve been brainwashed into years of baking 30-ingredient low-carb vegan air muffins. That pile of sugar you’ve been fantasising about since you went full keto is here in all its glory. The Observer was assured that no fucking beetroot was hidden in any brownies, or heads would roll.

Pre-loved on Pringle. Sponsored by Marie Kondo

Bring your disguise and poke around your neighbours’ rejected articles. Any leftover stuff will be burned in a super bonfire, because landfill is currently a thing.

Messed up on Massey

Raising money for school never felt so good. Messed up on Massey is the two-story portable pub, trucked in to Massey street after feedback from the last ABDO that a 3 x 3 tent wasn’t cutting it. It’s also the only stall at the fete where your money is a winner every time.

Ascot parents lined up to showcase their drinking prowess in the name of fundraising, while their kids ran wild and unsupervised into the night, chatting to all manner of friendly carnie-folk.

It’s understood the P and C are now looking at making the port-a-pub a permanent fixture, so parents can fundraise while spectating the school athletics carnival and cross country. “All we need to do is give it a lick of white and pale grey paint, and a few bits of coral to give it a more Hamptons aesthetic,” said Mary-Kate Mullins, Thermomix rep and self-taught interior designer.

Feeling lucky? After you’ve been Messed up on Massey, head across the oval to the pop-up after-party ‘Single and ready to mingle on Pringle’, for those of you who realise dipping your toe outside the catchment has no future.

Get straight to talking about all the same people and places you both already know, without the bothersome task of bringing any new material to the conversation ever.

The Observer understands the ABDO was another huge success. When asked for a quote by the organising committee, a representative had this to say, “our goal of being better at partying than Eagle Junction State School has been achieved once again. Bring on 2021!!”