Controversy has broken out at the sports canteen of a local private school after it was revealed that there is a wrong way to make a ham and cheese toastie.
“Any fucking idiot knows that you put the ham down first, then the cheese,” said a spokesperson from the school canteen.
One tuckshop newbie found this out the hard way, when she turned up at 5 am to voluntarily help make breakfast for one school’s particularly early morning training session.
“I began by laying the cheese down on the bread when one of the more experienced canteen Mums leant in. “Well done you!” she said. “But actually, we put the ham on first, THEN the cheese.“
It’s understood the canteen newbie is a three hat chef, with four kids of her own, and has made approximately 30 000 ham and cheese toasties in the past decade. “Besides, she said, “when the sandwich is flipped, it’s the same friggin’ thing. Seriously,…..WTAF?”
The Observer has since conducted extensive randomised blind taste trials of H-C versus C-H toasties. The conclusive results indicate that a H-C toastie once inverted, is indeed, exactly the same friggin’ thing as a C-H toastie. And that’s for real.
When presented with the findings the canteen convenor had this to say. “Cute. But I don’t think so. That’s why it’s called a HAM-CHEESE toastie, not a CHEESE-HAM toastie.”
“Besides, we’ve always done it this way. We don’t encourage logic, or free-thinking here. But, if you’re prepared to do exactly as I say and not be richer or thinner than me, we’d love some more volunteers.”
“Oh and one more thing. No square cut sandwiches. Even children raised by wolves knows that triangles taste better.”
More to come.
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I really enjoyed this article. Well written and extremely informative. I of course agree sandwiches are tastiest eaten from a triangular shape…..so what have I done wrong as a mother? My children will only eat square shaped sandwiches; perhaps they picked up some slight genetic disorder from their father as he also likes square shaped sandwiches. Anonymous
I would definitely blame their father. Hopefully it’s not to late to save them from the squares.
Does not really matter what order you lay the ingredients, what is important, however, is how you lay the untoasted sandwich on the toaster. In this case it must be ham below, then cheese (coincidentally, ham first, hence the possible confusion). In this manner, and halfway through the cooking process, cheese begins its oozing descent down the cut face and potentially crusty sides of the yes, important, triangle shape. Said sandwich is done before cheese slimes the toaster face.
Tuckshops need more people like you. Just not our tuck shop.
You lot are Savages! No mention of crust removal!!