“A disappointment”: UK super COVID strain still too pissweak to kill Cafe 63

‘‘Fuck”, said one local, “let’s hope the South African strain does the job.”

Cafe 63, the highly successful cafe chain that began in Ascot as a radical social experiment in cheap, has remained open and irritatingly COVID-immune, effectively proving that some things are harder to get rid of than the herpes simplex virus.

“FFS, just when you think you’ve finally got rid of one, another one randomly pops up,” said a baffled local, who would prefer to remain anonymous.

Hopes were raised when, at the outbreak of the pandemic in March last year, there was a 50% reduction in the number of Cafe 63’s in Racecourse Rd, down from two to one. However, in a Phoenix-like resurrection, ‘63 MKII’ has reappeared, in a new and more optical location.

Built on the back of the Bain-marie and paying foreign students in Monopoly money, admitting to enjoy eating at the cafe chain has become somewhat of a bbq stopper among the 4007 set. Indeed, the Observer understands that friendships in the suburb are being quietly questioned, as ‘radicals’ admit to loving 63 openly at gatherings and in public places.

“They’re just not the people I thought they were…” said one normal local after ‘close friends’ came out.

Defying the COVID kiss of death, the recently re-opened Cafe 63 has debuted some new menu items.

In the interests of quality investigative journalism, the Ascot Observer went undercover to scope the updated menu, and found the following additions.

-The Annastacia Palaszczuk: Order it and eat it without leaving your table – otherwise you won’t be allowed back into the cafe for 14 days. *Bonus: you get it for free if you can spell it.

-The Clive Palmer: Get your name on the Cafe 63 wall if you can finish the CLIVE. All the food in the cafe, on one plate and not shared with anyone.

-The Karl Stefanovic: Taken off the menu for being too unsavoury last year, the KS has returned and is proving popular despite being as tasteless as the first time around.

-The Pauline Hansen: white food only. No foreign unpronounceables.

-The Sco-Mo: What you’ll actually get if you order the Malcolm Turnbull.

-The Malcolm Turnbull: Looks promising, but basically all style and no substance.

In a positive move, management are permanently removing the Anthony Seibold. It was an experiment that went horribly wrong, and has left more than a few patrons with a bad taste in their mouths.

More to come.