An open letter to the rest of the world: Ascot’s response to the Coronavirus

Dear non-4007 residents of the world,

We’d like to take this opportunity to outline our response to the COVID-19 outbreak and the measures we are taking as a community to protect ourselves from you. Be assured, our residents health, safety and aesthetic needs are our utmost priority.

Grocery items

We are currently in the process of donating all of our flour, pasta and rice stocks to the needy in Bulimba. Because we don’t do gluten or carbs for no fucking virus.

We have put in orders with the rest of the world for all the coconut flour, activated yak milk, nut butter and quinoa available. We don’t want a repeat of the brawl in the organic aisle at Woollies 2.0 over hoarding of biodynamic brown rice vinegar. There is enough to go around for everyone once we import all of the third world’s supply for fuck all cost.

There is also plenty of TP to go around, after a resident brokered an exclusive deal with a Brazilian contact to mow down a quarter of a million acres of Amazon rainforest to pulp up for us to wipe our arses on. Three ply minimum.

Social distancing

We never liked you anyway. It’s just now we have a word for it.

Ascot in lockdown

It’s been decided that Ascot will ‘self-isolate’ in the coming days. Borders to the suburb will be shut down, however special dispensation to leave the catchment is granted for luncheon emergencies at Hellenika, Studio 45 Lagree Pilates and the Calexico sale in James St.

Non-European cars will be stopped at checkpoints to ascertain if entry is legitimate, or they’re just Hendra residents seeking a short-cut back to the third world.

Travel

Shit got real when we had to cancel Capri. Now we’re really pissed.

Fairy lights

There has been some discussion over turning the fairy lights off in Racecourse Rd , after a Qantas 737 mistook it for a new north-south runway. We’re happy to report that the fairy lights in Racecourse Rd will remain on, 24/7 until this crisis is over, or at least until the Hemsworths visit.

Finally, we urge all of you to stay the hell away from us during this uncertain time.

Best,

Ascot