Ascot to learn lessons from the overfilled, underparked lifestyle ghetto in upcoming pre Olympic suburban beautification.
Input is being sought from local residents on how we can give our fair suburb a classy and considered facelift, in plenty of time for the 2032 Olympics when the eyes of the world will be mainly upon 4007. There is no shame in applying some aesthetic ‘tweakments’ to an aging yet classic beauty like Ascot, but any idiot knows restraint is key.
“We want to look refreshed, modern and scarless, leaving the rest of Brisbane wondering how the hell we look so good at our age,” says Charlotte Mayfield-Street, chair of the Aesthetics for Ascot movement. We’re also seeing what a slippery slope can look like just a few suburbs over.”
Dubbed the Newstead effect, it’s what happens when a little suburban cosmetic refresh goes way too far.
“Newstead was a cute experiment in urban renewal that for a while, seemed to be going quite well. But now I think we can all agree it’s gone and had too much work done, which means the place looks pretty good in photos, but in real life it’s kinda overfilled and ugly.”
In the name of unbiased journalism, the Ascot Observer headed to Newstead to interview a few residents on what they liked about living in one of the 180,000 units in the suburb. Spirits remain high despite the shit show they find themselves in.
“I like that I can watch 12 different TVs of my neighbours in the apartment tower just a few feet across, right from my living room. If I’m lucky, I’ll be watching Netflix, Stan, Apple TV, Amazon Prime and live TV at the same time in any one evening. That’s saving me a fortune in streaming services.”
“I take my Buddha bowls into the Himalayan Salt room at Total Fusion. I can cleanse my aura and season my food at the same time. It’s saving me a fortune in trips to the Himalayan Salt fields, which I think are out past Ipswich.”
“Our French bulldog Jean-Paul has finally found his tribe at his new doggy daycare. I don’t think it would be good for his mental health if we moved now.”
“Total Fusion altitude room has really helped with my random nose bleeds since I moved to the 42nd floor of my Newstead apartment building.”
“The closer to Total Fusion, the closer to God.”
Next steps for Ascot residents are to join the consultation process about how to turn Racecourse Rd into a superior version of James St, with at least one Calile hotel, minus the plastic gangsters that have overrun the joint. We will position the pool away from the restaurant as well, so we don’t have the rejects of Love Island Australia’s meat flaps in our face while trying to digest our salad.
When the Observer quizzed a developer for comment on living in Newstead, he had this to say. “Oh no, ..I just do developments there. I actually live in Ascot.”
More to come.