Behavioural experts around the world are studying Ascot residents to understand how normal upper-middle class people are coping with the COVID-19 restrictions. With strict social distancing measures in place, the research has been collated by examining the social media accounts from across the suburb. With so much oversharing from the front line, some strong trends are emerging. The first release of the data, including example types are now exclusively available to the Ascot Observer.
The home schooling expert
In a strange twist of fate, mothers in the suburb are finally able to show teachers and other parents ‘how to actually school’ after complaining about useless teachers, tuckshop food and classroom facilities since the beginning of time. Stay tuned for the next round of posts showcasing their lesson plans and their redesign of the Queensland school curriculum.
The ‘fam bam’ insta poster
When they’re not sitting around the fireplace singing kum ba yah, they’re making tic-tocs, laughing uncontrollably, or taking the piss out of poor old dad.
The ‘one virus…so many houses’ people
They don’t want to live in this fucking backwater full time, but it doesn’t stop them from deep breathing in all that fresh air and posting about it 24/7. They end most of their posts with the ever-irritating “Stay safe.”
The DIY dream team
She’s channelling her anxiety into aggressive baking, home improvement or craft. She’s also got her man headed to Bunnings every other day in the attempt to turn him into the handyman/garden lackey of her dreams. Stay tuned for her next project that involves whittling a new set of balustrading for the front verandah from one piece of timber.
Armed with a Thermomix, and the entire Tupperware range, it’s finally her time to shine. She’s meal prepped the next 12 months of food, and is now posting about how catering for lockdown is fun yet practical. This person is a strange hybrid of the optimist and the pessimist. One thing is for certain, we’re hoping she’s our neighbour if this shit goes on much longer.
The redundant fashion influencer
The voice inside her head is getting louder. It’s saying… “you have no skills.”
When her whole existence is built on dressing up and going out to be fabulous, the term ‘non-essential worker’ is currently sounding off like an internal air raid siren. So what can she do during isolation to retain some relevance as a fashion influencer in this new age of austerity? Well, she can dress up as her lounge of course and post about it to relieve her anxiety about her outright lack of talent.
The Observer understands this study will continue indefinitely. “Social media is an important outlet for the upper middle class to express their unresolved social anxieties, ” head researcher Dr Pennefather said. “We’re now anticipating a decline in selfie behaviour, as botox begins to wear off across the board.”
More to come.