Coastrek exclusive: Ascot Mum’s $6000 weekend away results in a $500 donation to Fred Hollows foundation and loss of 3 friendships.

An Ascot mother has returned to 4007 after her Coastrek event in Noosa this past weekend, $6000 and three friendships lighter. Coastrek is the wildly successful 4-person team walking event for women where upwardly mobile competitive housewives donate $500 each, for the pleasure of testing their friendships in the name of charity. The 30km walk/sprint  also raises funds for such needy organisations as the Noosa Shire Council, and the proprietors of the hotels and bars of Hastings Street.  

Approximately a bazillion peri and post-menopausal women walked this year, with the chat volume registering seismic activity as far away as Mars. 

However an underground investigation by the Observer has uncovered a pattern of ruined friendships over this somewhat dull rite of passage for middle aged Ascotian women.

‘That fucking Fred Hollows has got a lot to answer for,’ said one returned and slightly miffed participant.

In a bid to reveal the truth, The Observer conducted extensive research to uncover how to successfully navigate the Coastrek event with your friendships intact. We urge participants to select team members carefully to minimise tension. However, it’s understood that despite the best laid plans, one or more of the following types will end up in your team, so be prepared.

1. The ‘me’ talker – Starts every sentence with ‘I’ or ‘If it was me’ and has mastered turning even the most unrelated conversation into something about herself.
2. The ‘my kids’ talker.  Speaks of nothing other than her children, schools, teachers, achievements and allergies. Tracks their every move including bowel motions and will talk you through all of it in detail over the next 6 hours.
3. The small talker.  You WILL die of boredom, or suddenly decide that you’re going to run the last 28km.  Far away from her.
4. The know-it-all.  Most likely to be murdered during the event itself
5. The ‘rich’ talker.  If you have to hear one more word about her renovation, overseas holiday, or boat you’re going to suggest she fucking well gets in her chopper back to Ascot. Alone.
6. The too slow/too fast combo.  You thought it was going to be a leisurely stroll.  She wants to break the land-speed record.  This is not going to end well.A careful avoidance of these types and just about anyone who is boring, unfit, or generally irritating will ensure your chances of surviving the next expensive Coastrek experience.  When quizzed about the $6000 of hotel, transport, outfits, massages, champagne, cocktails and restaurant meals, one Ascot mum had this to say, ‘I’m so proud.’