Customers of Sirianni IGA will now be required to complete the ‘certificate of high-performance parking’ before being allowed to park their car onsite. Sirianni’s will be offering the course after a spike in customers completely losing their shit trying to park at the popular grocer’s headquarters.
The course will cover modules such as ‘left, right or straight ahead? : the art of car-park selection’, ‘pro-active indication’, ‘hierarchy of reversing rights : who the fuck reverses first, and what to do during a standoff’ and the capstone unit ‘Smiling, cursing, reversing: the complete guidelines’.
‘We thought this could be a great little revenue raiser, as well as a vital community service.’ A spokesperson for the organisation said. ‘I mean, you can always tell the newcomers to the area. They’re parked in that corner between the butcher and the bottle-o. Get yourself in there, and it may take you a year to get out.’
Once certified, a tasteful sticker will be issued. In the case of antipasto-related emergencies, uncertified vehicles should report to the Sirianni valet for immediate and expensive attention.